Archive for August, 2014
I’m a Mess
David and I took Grady to college a week ago yesterday. A quick 3-hour drive to Appalachian State and a long ride home in a lightening and thunder downpour that mirrored our chaotic thoughts and feelings.
My youngest, my only son, off on his own finally and all too soon. After the first few days of rocky transition, Grady is settling in, making new friends and finding new interests even as he continues to miss home and especially his wonderful girlfriend, Kelsey.
But, boy I’m a mess. I miss him so damn much. The only two introverts in the house, Grady and I can be together without saying a word, without even being in the same room. He is such an incredible human being—thoughtful, sensitive, funny, deep, empathetic, tender, intellectual, highly verbal—all wrapped up in a masculine package that sometimes disguises who he truly is, at least to those just looking on the surface.
After going into hyper-support mode to help ease the transition, I am now alone with my thoughts, my feelings and my memories. One week into my own transition and I’ve already fixed the garbage disposal, cleaned the oven, vacuumed at least 5 times (including moving furniture), replaced light bulbs, and gotten rid of the beagle nose spots on all the windows in the house. This is in addition to the routine work done by the cleaners. Closets may be next. Or maybe online shopping. Who knows?
And the tears that come so easily, the same ones that have anticipated this change, this grief, this loss throughout his senior year, hell his JUNIOR year. From far-seeing pirate (at 3-5 years old, he told the best pirate jokes) to dance king at his sister’s wedding, it’s all just gone by so damn fast. Does he know how much I love him? Does he love himself in that same way? Does he feel it way deep down, a grounding, centering place he can always return to as he travels forth, metaphorically and literally?
I know deep down in my own soul that I’ve been a good parent to him—fostering his independent spirit from the very beginning, allowing him to do things his way unless he ended up in the proverbial ditch, talking, talking, talking about the world, his and my perceptions of how people work, listening, listening and sharing too. I feel such incredible gratitude that he’s let me be part of his world. I’ve learned so much from parenting him—about life, about love, about myself. He has always been so incredibly clear that he is different than me, that I need to love and respect him for who he is exactly as he is and that my neurotic needs to help him achieve and attain are all so superficial and unnecessary. He helps me experience and know the true nature of love, love at the soul-to-soul level.
I am eternally grateful, Buddy. For your wisdom, your love, our connection. I can’t wait to see how your world expands and unfolds…I love you.